An Open Letter to Termites

Dear Termites,

Please go away.

Wikipedia informs me that you are a social creatures that work closely together to sustain your colonies. You are considered eusocial (according to the ever-knowing Wikipedia), indicating that you have a system of dividing up labor responsibilities amongst yourselves, you have overlapping generations, and cooperative care of your young. I see we have some things in common, humans and termites. Yes, Termites, I have done my homework.

I could embrace our similarities and forge an unprecedented relationship with your insect family. Offer squatting rights, if you will. But I am not going to do that. Why, you ask? Namely, because I don't want to. I find your slimy, albino, leggy bodies vile and disgusting, and your behavior absolutely inexcusable. You're eating our house. And I need you to stop. Today.

Your occupancy has created a bit of an issue with the integrity of the posterior of our house. The door doesn't close properly anymore, and body-slamming the doors in my house is not a recommended contact sport. It is not even recognized by the IOC.

Eventually, the entire floor had to be ripped out and replaced. You remember that day, I'm sure. That was the day we poked at you with sticks and dug up everything you had worked so hard to build. I am generally a nonviolent person, and am willing to forgive mistakes. I understand a first time offense. Perhaps the initial Insect/Varmint/Pest removal completed before we moved in (compliments of Dan the Bug Man - thank you kind Sir), and two and a half years of residency have not been sufficient enough to indicate we live here now. When we discovered your existence, we asked you to leave, and made what we thought was a fair settlement with your Termite lawyers. Apparently you did not take that seriously.

Now we are declaring war. We are prepared to unleash the worst from every level of Mr. Alighieri's Inferno to eradicate your presence from our property. There are no squatter's rights in Tillamook. I've checked. And we pay taxes. Therefore, consider this to be your eviction notice, effective immediately. We will launch the nukes at dawn.

DISCLAIMER TO THE INTERNET: I understand I may have put a few words in this letter that have most likely flagged me on every government Anti-Terrorist Task Force list. I would like to plainly state my disclaimer that I have no intention of causing harm to anything living or dead on this Earth, apart from the odius insects holding court under my back porch. I do not possess WMDs or have access to unrefined uranium. Please do not tell the termites about this.

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